An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Alphabet for Senior ---------------------------- A is for Apple, and B is for Boat, That used to be right, But now it won't float! Age before Beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C is the chest pains, perhaps car-di -ac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R for reflux, one meal turns to two. S for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!

A grandmother's giving directions to her grandson's new wife how to get to her new condo. She says, "You come to the main door of the apartment building, and there's a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T and I'll buzz you in. Come inside, and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, my door is just to the left. With your elbow, hit the bell." The grandson's wife says, "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting these buttons with my elbow?" The old lady says, "You're coming empty handed?"

BENEFITS OF BEING OVER 50: ---------------------------- 1. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 2. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 3. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 4. Things you buy now won't wear out. 5. You can eat dinner at 3 p.m. 6. You can live without sex (but not without glasses). 7. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 8. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 9. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 12. You sing along with the elevator music. 13. Your eyes won't get much worse. 14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the ! National Weather Service. 16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. (Submitted by friend and fellow chatter 'Homestead'-Wilbur)

When I'm an Old Lady or an Old Man ---------------------------- Copyright April 1991 -- Joanne Bailey Baxter, Lorain, OH When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, And make them so happy...just as I did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided, Returning each deed... Oh.,they'll be so excited. (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids!) I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues, And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout. (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids!) When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach, Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, And when that is done I'll hide under the bed. (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids!) When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad, just meat. I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table And when they get angry I'll run...if I'm able. (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids!) I'll sit close the the TV, thru the channels I'll click, I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud 'til the end of the day. (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids!) And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, And thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping." (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids!) (submitted by Wilbur - Homestead51!)

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terrycloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub. The man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a hot bath?"

A man applied for a job and was asked to tell about his work experience. He said, "From time to time I was a door-to-door salesman selling wall-to-wall carpeting on a day-to-day basis with a fifty-fifty commission in Walla-Walla." "How was business?" the interviewer asked. "So-so."

A man walked into a restaurant and said, "I'd like a plate of stew and a kind word." The waitress brought his stew in a moment. As she put it down, the man whispered, "How about the kind word?" The waitress said, "Don't eat the stew!"

What dance does a hamburger love? The Char - Char

What Burger can tell your fortune? A medium.

Old accountants never die....they just lose their balance. Never give up! Look at what would have happened to the Chemist who only got to Prepraration G..... And the man who concocted the formula never would have forgiven himself if he'd stopped at 6-Up..... And, Hooray for the songwriter who didn"t stop at "Tea For One". So, keep trying! Look at the man who put a hole in a Life Saver and made a MInt!!

"My right foot hurts!" "It's old age." "How come my left foot doesn't hurt? It's the same age." They're having an age problem. He won't act his and she won't tell hers!!

The following are from the GrandmaBetty Archives...

Why did the soccer coach give his team a lighter? A: 'Cause they kept losing their matches!

What did the envelope say to the stamp? A: Stick with me a we'll go places!

Top Ten Joke 10 notes on Dieting 1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do. 4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. e.g. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. e.g. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage. 8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter. 9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. e.g. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon. 10.Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other. Joke Submission by: Brad

Golfing with the wife ---------------------------- One day, a man was out golfing with his wife, and he hit the ball behind a barn. After a little laughing, the wife suggested, "I'll go open the front doors, and you go open the back doors, and you can hit the ball right through." The man, of course, agrees with the plan, and goes and opens the doors. After his wife opens the front doors, and moves to the inside of the barn. The man hits his ball, and it goes almost straight up. It hits the ceiling of the barn, comes down, and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly. The whole experience devestated the man. After one year, he was on the same gol course with a freind who didn't know about the who experience. On the whole where his wife was killed, he made the exact same shot, and the ball went behind the barn. His friend, not knowing what had happened suggested. "How 'bout I go open the front doors, you go open the back doors, and you can hit it right through." Having memories of a year ago..the man said "I don't wanna do that...you see, one year ago, this exact thing happened when I was with my wife...she opened the front doors, I opened the back...and to make a long story short...I triple bogied the hole." Joke Submission by: Grant Batdorf

Why do brides wear white? A: So the dishwasher matches the fridge and the stove.

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