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I hope you enjoy Joke of the Week. If you know of an funny please submit it using the form below. If your joke is selected as the best of the week we will put it online in this section with credit to you and we will send you a FREE copy of the Grandma Betty eBook - When One Door Closes, Another Opens!
Thanks, Uncle Dave


***Joke of the Week for March 22 - March 29 2015***

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.


***Joke of the Week for March 14 - March 21 2015***

I saw a heavyset woman wearing a tee shirt that said Guess on it. So I said, " Thyroid problem?


***Joke of the Week for March 6 - March 13 2015***

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.


***Joke of the Week for February 27 - March 5 2015***

60% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.


***Joke of the Week for February 19 - February 26, 2015***

My wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we met.


***Joke of the Week for February 11 - February 18, 2015***

A boy was admitted to a hospital after swallowing a couple of quarters. When his mother asked about his condition the doctor replied, "there's been no change yet."


***Joke of the Week for February 3 - February 10, 2015

Why is so little known about the salivary glands? Because they're so secretive.


***Joke of the Week for January 26 - February 2, 2015

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.


***Joke of the Week for January 18 - January 25, 2015

I walked into the bedroom and tripped over my wife's bra. The room was booby trapped.


***Joke of the Week for January 10 - January 17, 2015

Today I decided to burn a lot of calories. So I set a fat kid on fire.


***Joke of the Week for January 9 - January 16, 2015

What did the tree say when it was cut down? I'm stumped.


***Joke of the Week for January 1 - January 8, 2015***

I have some jokes about unemployed people. But I won't use them because none of them work.


***Joke of the Week for December 25 - December 30, 2014***

A librarian was crushed by falling books. She only had her shelf to blame.


***Joke of the Week for December 17 - December 24, 2014***

A farmer thought he had 99 cows in the pasture, but then he rounded them up and had 100.


***Joke of the Week for December 9 - December 16, 2014***

I've been trying to push the envelope at work but its still stationery.


***Joke of the Week for December 1 - December 8, 2014***

Using a Latin phrase to sound smart has always been my modus operandi.


***Joke of the Week for November 23 - November 30, 2014***

What subject does a school of fish study? They take debate


***Joke of the Week for November 15 - November 22, 2014***

I'd like to stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy.


***Joke of the Week for November 7 - November 14, 2014***

A man says to his barber, "My hair keeps falling out. What can I use to keep it in?" The barber says, "a shoe box."


***Joke of the Week for October 31 - November 6, 2014***

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.


***Joke of the Week for October 23 - October 30, 2014***

I just joined a band called 999 megabytes. We haven't gotten a gig yet.


***Joke of the Week for October 15 - October 22, 2014***

I stopped by my bank and asked a teller to check my balance. So she pushed me.


***Joke of the Week for October 7 - October 14, 2014***

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.


***Joke of the Week for September 30 - October 6, 2014***

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says,"get out, I don't want you in here." The mushroom says, "why not. I'm a fungi."


***Joke of the Week for September 22 - September 29, 2014***

What do skeletons say before eating? Bone appetite.


***Joke of the Week for September 14 - September 21, 2014***

Two silk worms were racing each other. But they ended up in a tie.


***Joke of the Week for September 6 - September 13, 2014***

A dentist and a manicurist had a contentious divorce. They fought tooth and nail.


***Joke of the Week for August 30 - September 5, 2014***

I'm looking for a job cleaning mirrors.That's something I can really see myself doing.


***Joke of the Week for August 22 - August 29, 2014***

Why is a river rich? Because it has banks on both sides.


***Joke of the Week for August 14 - August 21, 2014***

When the cannibal showed up late for lunch, his friends gave him the cold shoulder.


***Joke of the Week for August 6 - August 13, 2014***

Yesterday was my step father's birthday. I got him a step ladder.


***Joke of the Week for July 29 - August 5, 2014***

A man was arrested for stealing three calendars. He got 36 months.


***Joke of the Week for July 21 - July 28, 2014***

I used to be great when it came to word play. Once a pun a time.


***Joke of the Week for July 13 - July 20, 2014***

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.


***Joke of the Week for July 5 - July 12, 2014***

Earl Grey was away during an election. So he cast an absent tea ballot.


***Joke of the Week for June 27 - July 4, 2014***

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2 but the hard part is getting them into the lightbulb.


***Joke of the Week for June 19 - June 26, 2014***

Don't ask me to explain my vow of silence.


***Joke of the Week for June 11 - June 18, 2014***

What did a frightened skunk say to his pal when a fox approached? "Let us spray".


***Joke of the Week for June 3 - June 10, 2014***

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.


***Joke of the Week for May 26 - June 2, 2014***

What did the dyslexic man yell out while being robbed? "Pleh em. Pleh em."


***Joke of the Week for May 18 - May 25, 2014***

What kind of cigarettes do Jewish women smoke? Gefiltered.


***Joke of the Week for May 11 - May 17, 2014***

Did you hear that one of Santa's elves tried to commit suicide? Seems he had very low elf esteem.


***Joke of the Week for May 3 - May 10, 2014***

Last year a worker fell into an upholstery machine. He is now fully recovered.


***Joke of the Week for Apr 26 - May 2, 2014***

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? One to start and a second to give a surprise twist at the end.


***Joke of the Week for Apr 18 - Apr 25, 2014***

Why can't a bike stand up for a long time? It's 2 tired.


***Joke of the Week for Apr 10 - Apr 17, 2014***

Why do models speak slowly? Their lipstick.


***Joke of the Week for Apr 2 - Apr 9, 2014***

When the smog lifts in California, UCLA.


***Joke of the Week for Mar 25 - Apr 1, 2014***

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his wealth? He was a little shellfish.


***Joke of the Week for Mar 17 - Mar 24, 2014***

I was about to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, then I thought what the hell good would that do?


***Joke of the Week for Mar 9 - Mar 16, 2014***

"The difference between ignorance and apathy is.....I don't know and I really don't care.


***Joke of the Week for Mar 2 - Mar 8, 2014***

Why couldn't Dracula's wife fall asleep? Because of his coffin.


***Joke of the Week for Feb 22 - Mar 1, 2014***

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


***Joke of the Week for Feb 15 - Feb 21, 2014***

Why shouldn't you try to write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.


***Joke of the Week for Feb 8 - Feb 14, 2014***

I like to pass gas on elevators. That's wrong on so many levels.


***Joke of the Week for Feb 1 - Feb 7, 2014***

"I stand corrected." Said the man after trying on his new orthopedic shoes.


***Joke of the Week for Jan 24 - Jan 31, 2014***

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.


***Joke of the Week for Jan 17 - Jan 23, 2014***

I got tasered picking up my friend from the airport yesterday. It seems security does not like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!!"


***Joke of the Week for Jan 10 - Jan 16, 2014***

Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? Seems they've been making a lot of headlines.


***Joke of the Week for Jan 3 - Jan 9, 2014***

I work at a plant that makes fire hydrants. I can never park anywhere near the place.


***Joke of the Week for Dec 27 - Jan 2, 2014***

I used to be addicted to lunch meat but I quit cold turkey.


***Joke of the Week for Dec 21 - Dec 26, 2013***

My girlfriend hates it when I joke about her dark hair. She needs to lighten up.


***Joke of the Week for Dec 14 - Dec 20, 2013***

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


***Joke of the Week for Dec 7 - Dec 13, 2013***

A deck of cards walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll deal with you later."


***Joke of the Week for Dec 1 - Dec 6, 2013***

You'll never guess who I bumped into on the way to my optician. Everyone.


***Joke of the Week for Nov 24 - Nov 30, 2013***

The bartender says,"We don't serve time travelers here. " A time traveler walks into a bar.


***Joke of the Week for Nov 17 - Nov 23, 2013***

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? he was outstanding in his field.


***Joke of the Week for Nov 10 - Nov 16, 2013***

I went to conjunctivitis.com. Boy was that a site for sore eyes.


***Joke of the Week for Nov 3 - Nov 9, 2013***

The people of Saudi Arabia never liked watching the Flintstones. But the people of Abu Dhabi do.


***Joke of the Week for Oct 27 - Nov 2, 2013***

What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.


***Joke of the Week for Oct 20 - Oct 26, 2013***

What does Tickle-Me- Elmo get before he leaves the factory? Two test tickles.


***Joke of the Week for Oct 13 - Oct 19, 2013***

A neutron asks the bartender,"how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you- no charge."


***Joke of the Week for Oct 6 - Oct 12, 2013***

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.


***Joke of the Week for Sept 29 - Oct 5, 2013***

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from police custody? A small medium at large.


***Joke of the Week for Sept 21 - Sept 28, 2013***

A man was asked to describe his best friend who recently was attacked and killed by a shark. "Good chum," he replied.


***Joke of the Week for Sept 13 - Sept 20, 2013***

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here and I'll go on ahead.


***Joke of the Week for Sept 6 - Sept 12, 2013***

I stayed up all night to see where the sun goes. Then it dawned on me.


***Joke of the Week for August 29 - Sept 5, 2013***

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell rolling in the deep.


***Joke of the Week for August 21 - August 28, 2013***

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.


***Joke of the Week for August 14 - August 20, 2013***

What do you call a chubby psychic? A four chin teller.


***Joke of the Week for August 7 - August 13, 2013***

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Dr.I feel like a pair of curtains." The doctor says," Pull yourself together."


***Joke of the Week for August 1 - August 6, 2013***

What does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.


***Joke of the Week for July 24 - July 31, 2013***

Why is a dog better dressed in the summer? He has a coat and pants.


***Joke of the Week for July 17 - July 23, 2013***

A couple of sandwiches walk into a bar. The bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here.


***Joke of the Week for July 10 - July 16, 2013***

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice all day? Polaroids.


***Joke of the Week for July 3 - July 9, 2013***

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to? Hip pop.


***Joke of the Week for June 27 - July 2, 2013***

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.


***Joke of the Week for June 19 - June 26, 2013***

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.


***Joke of the Week for June 12 - June 18, 2013***

What do you get from a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.


***Joke of the Week for June 5 - June 11, 2013***

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam!


***Joke of the Week for May 28 - June 4, 2013***

A new restaurant opened on the moon. The food is good but there's no atmosphere.


***Joke of the Week for May 21 - May 27, 2013***

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.


***Joke of the Week for May 14 - May 20, 2013***

What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.


***Joke of the Week for May 7 - May 13, 2013***

The good thing about dating a homeless woman is you can drop her off anywhere.


***Joke of the Week for May 1 - May 6, 2013***

I've always had an urge to buy a big white polar bear from the Arctic. My doctor says I have Buy Polar disorder.


***Joke of the Week for Apr 24 - Apr 30, 2013***

Tomorrow is Jamaican hairstyle day at work. I'm just dreading it.


***Joke of the Week for Apr 16 - Apr 23, 2013***

What has four legs, is big, green, and fuzzy, and could kill you if it fell from a tree? A pool table.


***Joke of the Week for Apr 8 - Apr 15, 2013***

What is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.


***Joke of the Week for Apr 1 - Apr 7, 2013***

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug? She had a baby in the spring.


***Joke of the Week for Mar 23 - Mar 31, 2013***

Why did the worker in a Pepsi factory hate her job? It was soda pressing.


***Joke of the Week for Mar 16 - Mar 22, 2013***

All the toilets at a New York police station were stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.


***Joke of the Week for Mar 9 - Mar 15, 2013***

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.


***Joke of the Week for Mar 3 - Mar 8, 2013***

When I was in London I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.


***Joke of the Week for Feb 23 - Mar 2, 2013***

I've been reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can't put it down.


***Joke of the Week for Feb 15 - Feb 22, 2013***

The Liberty Bell is not all it's cracked up to be.


***Joke of the Week for Feb 6 - Feb 14, 2013***

PMS jokes are just not funny. Period.


***Joke of the Week for Jan 28 - Feb 5, 2013***

What do they do when a chemist passes away? They barium.


***Joke of the Week for Jan 21 - Jan 27, 2013***

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frost bite.


***Joke of the Week for Jan 14 - Jan 20, 2013***

What lies on the ocean bottom and twitches? A nervous wreck.


***Joke of the Week for Jan 7 - Jan 13, 2013***

England does not have a kidney bank. Just a Liverpool.


***Joke of the Week for Jan 1 - Jan 6, 2013***

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.


***Joke of the Week for Dec 23 - Dec 31, 2012***

I'd kill to win the Nobel Peace Prize.


***Joke of the Week for Dec 16 - Dec 22, 2012***

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says, "Bartender, one for me and one for the road."


***Joke of the Week for Dec 9 - Dec 15, 2012***

2 fonts walk into a bar and the bartender says,"We don't want your type in here."


***Joke of the Week for Dec 2 - Dec 8, 2012***

Two antennas got married on the roof. The ceremony was average but the reception was great.


***Joke of the Week for Nov 25 - Dec 1, 2012***

What did the cops do after the art supply store was robbed? They canvassed the area.

***Joke of the Week for Nov 18 - Nov 24, 2012***

I went to the zoo but they only had one dog there. It was a shih tzu.

***Joke of the Week for Nov 11 - Nov 17, 2012***

Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.


***Joke of the Week for Nov 4 - Nov 10, 2012***

I did many crunches yesterday- Nestles, Captain...


***Joke of the Week for Oct 28 - Nov 3, 2012***

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.


***Joke of the Week for Oct 21 - Oct 27, 2012***

My wife says I never listen to her, or something like that.


***Joke of the Week for Oct 14 - Oct 20, 2012***

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.


***Joke of the Week for Oct 7 - Oct 13, 2012***

Of all the different blood groups, type O's make the most spelling mistakes.


***Joke of the Week for Oct 1 - Oct 6, 2012***

What do sea monsters have for dinner? Fish and ships.


***Joke of the Week for Sept 24 - Sept 30, 2012***

What does a ghost call his mother and father? Trans-parents.


***Joke of the Week for Sept 17 - Sept 23, 2012***

What does Count Dracula have as a pet? A bloodhound."


***Joke of the Week for Sept 10 - Sept 16, 2012***

After squirrels go crazy where do they go? A nut house."


***Joke of the Week for Sept 3 - Sept 9, 2012***

I walked into a restaurant and the host asked me how many were in my party. I said, "Millions, I'm a democrat."


***Joke of the Week for August 27 - Sept 2, 2012***

I was riding on an elevator the other day when a man got on and asked for someone to push 2 for him. So I shoved a nearby couple.


***Joke of the Week for August 20 - August 26, 2012***

I saw a sign on the road that said "Bear Left", but I looked for him anyway.


***Joke of the Week for August 13 - August 19, 2012***

I used to ask my economics professor if the demand for rubber bands was elastic or inelastic.


***Joke of the Week for August 6 - August 12, 2012***

I surfed the English Channel last week, but I couldn't find any interesting programs on the BBC.


***Joke of the Week for July 31 - August 5, 2012***

What can you put in a glass but never take out? A crack.


***Joke of the Week for July 24 - July 30, 2012***

I did a marathon last week- 10 hours of Twilight Zone.


***Joke of the Week for July 17 - July 23, 2012***

A Higgs boson walks into a church. A priest says "we don't want your kind in here." "Well you better let me stay," says the boson. "You won't have mass without me."


***Joke of the Week for July 10 - July 16, 2012***

An insomniac died last week. In his honor, there will be awake.


***Joke of the Week for July 3 - July 9, 2012***

I saw a sign that said “Fine for Parking Here”, so I left my car.


***Joke of the Week for June 25 - July 2, 2012***

A cross word puzzle fan died last week. He will be buried 6 down and 10 across.


***Joke of the Week for June 18 - June 24, 2012***

A man is sitting alone in a bar and he hears a voice saying, "you're so good looking." He looks around, doesn't see anyone, then hears, "that's a nice suit you're wearing. Finally, he calls over the bartender and asks him if he knows where the flattering comments are coming from. "It's the peanuts, they're complimentary."


***Joke of the Week for June 11 - June 17, 2012***

What did the grapes say when someone stepped on them? Nothing, they just let out a little whine.


***Joke of the Week for June 4 - June 10, 2012***

My wife is such a bad cook that I can’t wait for daylight savings time so I can eat an hour later.


***Joke of the Week for May 28 - June 3, 2012***

I saw a sign out in front of a house that said “Model Home”, but I couldn’t find her.


***Joke of the Week for May 21-27, 2012***

When I was a boy my father used to play catch with me. It was fun until one day he dropped me.


***Joke of the Week for May 14-20, 2012***

A man broke into a restaurant and stole cous cous and some mahi mahi. Turns out he was a repeat offender.


***Joke of the Week for May 7-13, 2012***

I asked a bellboy to help me with my bags. He gave me the name of his plastic surgeon.


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