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I hope you enjoy Joke of the Week. If you know of an funny please submit it using the form below. If your joke is selected as the best of the week we will put it online in this section with credit to you and we will send you a FREE copy of the Grandma Betty eBook - When One Door Closes, Another Opens!
Thanks, Uncle Dave

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.

I saw a heavyset woman wearing a tee shirt that said Guess on it. So I said, " Thyroid problem?

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

60% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we met.

A boy was admitted to a hospital after swallowing a couple of quarters. When his mother asked about his condition the doctor replied, "there's been no change yet."

Why is so little known about the salivary glands? Because they're so secretive.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

I walked into the bedroom and tripped over my wife's bra. The room was booby trapped.

Today I decided to burn a lot of calories. So I set a fat kid on fire.

What did the tree say when it was cut down? I'm stumped.

I have some jokes about unemployed people. But I won't use them because none of them work.

A librarian was crushed by falling books. She only had her shelf to blame.

A farmer thought he had 99 cows in the pasture, but then he rounded them up and had 100.

I've been trying to push the envelope at work but its still stationery.

Using a Latin phrase to sound smart has always been my modus operandi.

What subject does a school of fish study? They take debate

I'd like to stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy.

A man says to his barber, "My hair keeps falling out. What can I use to keep it in?" The barber says, "a shoe box."

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.

I just joined a band called 999 megabytes. We haven't gotten a gig yet.

I stopped by my bank and asked a teller to check my balance. So she pushed me.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says,"get out, I don't want you in here." The mushroom says, "why not. I'm a fungi."

What do skeletons say before eating? Bone appetite.

Two silk worms were racing each other. But they ended up in a tie.

A dentist and a manicurist had a contentious divorce. They fought tooth and nail.

I'm looking for a job cleaning mirrors.That's something I can really see myself doing.

Why is a river rich? Because it has banks on both sides.

When the cannibal showed up late for lunch, his friends gave him the cold shoulder.

Yesterday was my step father's birthday. I got him a step ladder.

A man was arrested for stealing three calendars. He got 36 months.

I used to be great when it came to word play. Once a pun a time.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Earl Grey was away during an election. So he cast an absent tea ballot.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2 but the hard part is getting them into the lightbulb.

Don't ask me to explain my vow of silence.

What did a frightened skunk say to his pal when a fox approached? "Let us spray".

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

What did the dyslexic man yell out while being robbed? "Pleh em. Pleh em."

What kind of cigarettes do Jewish women smoke? Gefiltered.

Did you hear that one of Santa's elves tried to commit suicide? Seems he had very low elf esteem.

Last year a worker fell into an upholstery machine. He is now fully recovered.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? One to start and a second to give a surprise twist at the end.

Why can't a bike stand up for a long time? It's 2 tired.

Why do models speak slowly? Their lipstick.

When the smog lifts in California, UCLA.

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his wealth? He was a little shellfish.

I was about to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, then I thought what the hell good would that do?

"The difference between ignorance and apathy is.....I don't know and I really don't care.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife fall asleep? Because of his coffin.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

Why shouldn't you try to write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.

I like to pass gas on elevators. That's wrong on so many levels.

"I stand corrected." Said the man after trying on his new orthopedic shoes.

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.

I got tasered picking up my friend from the airport yesterday. It seems security does not like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!!"

Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? Seems they've been making a lot of headlines.

I work at a plant that makes fire hydrants. I can never park anywhere near the place.

I used to be addicted to lunch meat but I quit cold turkey.

My girlfriend hates it when I joke about her dark hair. She needs to lighten up.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

A deck of cards walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll deal with you later."

You'll never guess who I bumped into on the way to my optician. Everyone.

The bartender says,"We don't serve time travelers here. " A time traveler walks into a bar.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? he was outstanding in his field.

I went to Boy was that a site for sore eyes.

The people of Saudi Arabia never liked watching the Flintstones. But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

What does Tickle-Me- Elmo get before he leaves the factory? Two test tickles.

A neutron asks the bartender,"how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you- no charge."

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from police custody? A small medium at large.

A man was asked to describe his best friend who recently was attacked and killed by a shark. "Good chum," he replied.

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here and I'll go on ahead.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun goes. Then it dawned on me.

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell rolling in the deep.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

What do you call a chubby psychic? A four chin teller.

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Dr.I feel like a pair of curtains." The doctor says," Pull yourself together."

What does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.

Why is a dog better dressed in the summer? He has a coat and pants.

A couple of sandwiches walk into a bar. The bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice all day? Polaroids.

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to? Hip pop.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

What do you get from a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam!

A new restaurant opened on the moon. The food is good but there's no atmosphere.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.

What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.

The good thing about dating a homeless woman is you can drop her off anywhere.

I've always had an urge to buy a big white polar bear from the Arctic. My doctor says I have Buy Polar disorder.

Tomorrow is Jamaican hairstyle day at work. I'm just dreading it.

What has four legs, is big, green, and fuzzy, and could kill you if it fell from a tree? A pool table.

What is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug? She had a baby in the spring.

Why did the worker in a Pepsi factory hate her job? It was soda pressing.

All the toilets at a New York police station were stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

When I was in London I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.

I've been reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can't put it down.

The Liberty Bell is not all it's cracked up to be.

PMS jokes are just not funny. Period.

What do they do when a chemist passes away? They barium.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frost bite.

What lies on the ocean bottom and twitches? A nervous wreck.

England does not have a kidney bank. Just a Liverpool.

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.

I'd kill to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says, "Bartender, one for me and one for the road."

2 fonts walk into a bar and the bartender says,"We don't want your type in here."

Two antennas got married on the roof. The ceremony was average but the reception was great.

What did the cops do after the art supply store was robbed? They canvassed the area.

I went to the zoo but they only had one dog there. It was a shih tzu.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

I did many crunches yesterday- Nestles, Captain...

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

My wife says I never listen to her, or something like that.

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.

Of all the different blood groups, type O's make the most spelling mistakes.

What do sea monsters have for dinner? Fish and ships.

What does a ghost call his mother and father? Trans-parents.

What does Count Dracula have as a pet? A bloodhound."

After squirrels go crazy where do they go? A nut house."

I walked into a restaurant and the host asked me how many were in my party. I said, "Millions, I'm a democrat."

I was riding on an elevator the other day when a man got on and asked for someone to push 2 for him. So I shoved a nearby couple.

I saw a sign on the road that said "Bear Left", but I looked for him anyway.

I used to ask my economics professor if the demand for rubber bands was elastic or inelastic.

I surfed the English Channel last week, but I couldn't find any interesting programs on the BBC.

What can you put in a glass but never take out? A crack.

I did a marathon last week- 10 hours of Twilight Zone.

A Higgs boson walks into a church. A priest says "we don't want your kind in here." "Well you better let me stay," says the boson. "You won't have mass without me."

An insomniac died last week. In his honor, there will be awake.

I saw a sign that said “Fine for Parking Here”, so I left my car.

A cross word puzzle fan died last week. He will be buried 6 down and 10 across.

A man is sitting alone in a bar and he hears a voice saying, "you're so good looking." He looks around, doesn't see anyone, then hears, "that's a nice suit you're wearing. Finally, he calls over the bartender and asks him if he knows where the flattering comments are coming from. "It's the peanuts, they're complimentary."

What did the grapes say when someone stepped on them? Nothing, they just let out a little whine.

My wife is such a bad cook that I can’t wait for daylight savings time so I can eat an hour later.

I saw a sign out in front of a house that said “Model Home”, but I couldn’t find her.

When I was a boy my father used to play catch with me. It was fun until one day he dropped me.

A man broke into a restaurant and stole cous cous and some mahi mahi. Turns out he was a repeat offender.

I asked a bellboy to help me with my bags. He gave me the name of his plastic surgeon.

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