Lexophile is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully
recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Why are winter storms called nor'easters and not northeasters?
If you could turn back time, you'd find the word emit.
Why do overlook and oversee mean the opposite?
If someone asks you to spell " Part A" backwards, don't do it. It's A Trap.
I often get lost in my thoughts. It's unfamiliar territory.
Is a content clairvoyant a happy medium?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same?
Why are the buttons on opposite sides of mens and womens shirts?
Why is it called the World Series when only teams from North America compete?
Why don't you laugh when you tickle yourself?
Why can you hunt, kill, stuff, and mount an animal, but it's illegal to keep it as a pet.
Why do people always say "Hi, Coach," to the leader of a basketball or football team but never "Hi, Manager," to the head of a baseball team?
Why does the winning team never say its only just a game?
Why do weathermen always give the temperature and conditions in Central Park when nobody lives there?
Why is the word ammunition always shortened to ammo and not ammu?
When a child can't spell a word, why do his parents always tell him to look it up?
When a store goes out of business, does someone close it up or close it down?
The letter "b" in the word subtle is actually pretty subtle.
How can someone be legally drunk?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you don't pay for your exorcism, can you be repossessed?
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
A kleptomaniac is someone who can't help himself from helping himself.
Sign language comes in quite handy.
If a night watchman tries to get into show business, do his friends tell him not to give up his night job?
Can someone living in a mobile home be placed under house arrest?
If a SWAT team breaks down your door, who replaces it?
Why does the word Lake always come before a body of water but the word River always comes after?
If you stole pens from a bank, is it considered bank robbery?
Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
If a child refuses to take a nap, can he be charged with resisting a rest?
Why do feet smell but noses run?
Did the inventor of the door knocker win the no-bell prize?
What does OK really stand for?
If you're losing an uphill battle, do things go downhill from there?
Does a one eyed person have 20/ vision?
Why is it when you wind up a watch it starts but when you wind up a project it ends?
If someone with multiple personalities goes to a psychiatrist, does he qualify for a group rate?
Why is it called a tv set when there is only one?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If you eat with utensils made of gold, are they still considered silverware?
If a child stars in an R rated movie, can he watch it?
Do coffins come with a lifetime guarantee?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages when they're stale to begin with?
How come what a doctor does is called a practice?
Why do drugstores make the sick and elderly walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions?
Can someone corner you in a round room?
Why is an actor in a movie but on TV?
It's not so hard to meet my expenses. They're everywhere.
Of all the phobias people have, the fear of heights is at the top.
If all is not lost, where is it?
If a man works in a toll booth, would he be the only one at his Christmas party?
Is it possible to properly fold a fitted sheet?
How anyone can be a masochist beats me.
Before a condemned man is given a lethal injection, why is his arm cleaned with alcohol?
Is a Parisian monk a French friar?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do we type things up yet we write things down?
Can someone be a closet claustrophobic?
If practice makes perfect but nobody's perfect, why practice?
If con is the opposite pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
Why do we abbreviate pound lb. yet neither letter is in the word?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
Why does lemon juice contain artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?
He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
Why can you pull the rug out from under someone, yet also pull the wool over his eyes?
Can someone with a big mouth make small talk?
Why can a citation be either good or bad?
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
P>Why do drivers always tell potential passengers to hop in?
When did the occasional shower become a spot shower?
What would happen if you hire two private eyes to follow each other?
Why are prices often rounded off to give customers a square price?
Why do "I could care less" and "I couldn't care less" mean the same?
How can somebody be more than happy?
When did air conditioned buildings become known as cooling centers?
I never saw the movie Armageddon but it's not the end of the world.
If there was a Broadway show about the creation of the English language, would that be a play on words?
Why is it called our bottom when it's in the middle of our body?
Why is the weight of the world on our shoulders but we always have something to get off our chests?
Why do we say bye bye but never hi hi?
Can the police handcuff a one-armed man?
Why is it called a guinea pig when it is neither a pig nor from Guinea?
Why are they called guidance counselors when all counselors offer guidance?
Since you put a plug into an outlet, why isn't it called an inlet?
Why do thaw and unthaw mean the same?
If you call up your job because you're sick, are you calling in or calling out?
If a drunk works at an upholstery shop, is he a recovering alcoholic?
If you spin an oriental man around, does he become disoriented?
Why are things said to be out of whack? What is whack?
War doesn't determine who is right-only who is left.
If someone is high-strung, is he tense or intense?
How can someone be found missing?
Do Roman doctors refer to IV's as 4's?
Is the grave of Karl Marx another communist plot?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages when they're stale to begin with?
If one man owned a shoe store, would he be the sole proprietor?
If Fed Ex were to merge with UPS, would the new name be Fed Up?
P>How can something be very unique?
Why do cars have speedometers that register over 100mph when its illegal to drive at that speed?
If the police are searching for an escaped female prisoner, is it considered a manhunt?
How can something be pretty ugly?
Why do gas stations always sell cigarettes when you can't smoke there?
How can someone act naturally?
Why do we always say good grief?
If a mime is hired by a businessman, would he become a silent partner?
Why are cars kept on a driveway but junk is locked up in the garage?
Can a homeless man be placed under house arrest?
Why is the Department of the Interior in charge of the outdoors?
Why do funeral parlors charge cost of living increases?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why do small supermarkets become mini-marts? What's a mart?
Why is it mother nature but father time?
How come lotteries are never won by psychics?
Why is a tree chopped down but then chopped up?
Why does slow down and slow up mean the same?
Why do you have stairs in your house but steps outside?
